Monday, August 22, 2011

The Power of Positive Talk

An interesting article that I read some years ago.

I remember my dad teaching me the power of language at a very young age. Not only did my dad understand that specific words affect our mental pictures, but he understood words are a powerful programming factor in lifelong success.

One particularly interesting event occurred when I was eight. As a kid, I was always climbing trees, poles, and literally hanging around upside down from the rafters of our lake house. So, it came to no surprise for my dad to find me at the top of a 30-foot tree swinging back and forth. My little eight-year-old brain didn't realize the tree could break or I could get hurt. I just thought it was fun to be up so high.

My older cousin, Tammy, was also in the same tree. She was hanging on the first big limb, about ten feet below me. Tammy's mother also noticed us at the exact time my dad did. About that time a huge gust of wind came over the tree. I could hear the leaves start to rattle and the tree begin to sway. I remember my dad's voice over the wind yell, "Bart, Hold on tightly." So I did. The next thing I know, I heard Tammy screaming at the top of her lungs, laying flat on the ground. She had fallen out of the tree.

I scampered down the tree to safety. My dad later told me why she fell and I did not. Apparently, when Tammy's mother felt the gust of wind, she yelled out, "Tammy, don't fall!" And Tammy did fall. My dad then explained to me that the mind has a very difficult time processing a negative image.

In fact, people who rely on internal pictures cannot see a negative at all. In order for Tammy to process the command of not falling, her nine-year-old brain had to first imagine falling, then try to tell the brain not to do what it just imagined. Whereas, my eight-year-old brain instantly had an internal image of me hanging on tightly.

This concept is especially useful when you are attempting to break a habit or set a goal. You can't visualize not doing something. The only way to properly visualize not doing something is to actually find a word for what you want to do and visualize that. For example, when I was thirteen years old, I played for my junior high school football team. I tried so hard to be good, but I just couldn't get it together at that age. I remember hearing the words run through my head as I was running out for a pass, "Don't drop it!"

Naturally, I dropped the ball. My coaches were not skilled enough to teach us proper "self-talk." They just thought some kids could catch and others couldn't. I'll never make it pro, but I'm now a pretty good Sunday afternoon football player, because all my internal dialogue is positive and encourages me to win. I wish my dad had coached me playing football instead of just climbing trees. I might have had a longer football career. Here is a very easy demonstration to teach your kids and your friends the power of a toxic vocabulary.

Ask them to hold a pen or pencil. Hand it to them. Now, follow my instructions carefully. Say to them, "Okay, try to drop the pencil." Observe what they do. Most people release their hands and watch the pencil hit the floor. You respond, "You weren't paying attention. I said TRY to drop the pencil. Now please do it again." Most people then pick up the pencil and pretend to be in excruciating pain while their hand tries but fails to drop the pencil.

The point is made. If you tell your brain you will "give it a try," you are actually telling your brain to fail. I have a "no try" rule in my house and with everyone I interact with. Either people will do it or they won't. Either they will be at the party or they won't. I'm brutal when people attempt to lie to me by using the word try. Do they think I don't know they are really telegraphing to the world they have no intention of doing it but they want me to give them brownie points for pretended effort?

You will never hear the words "I'll try" come out of my mouth unless I'm teaching this concept in a seminar. If you "try" and do something, your unconscious mind has permission not to succeed. If I truly can't make a decision I will tell the truth. "Sorry John. I'm not sure if I will be at your party or not. I've got an outstanding commitment. If that falls through, I will be here. Otherwise, I will not. Thanks for the invite."
People respect honesty. So remove the word "try" from your vocabulary.

My dad also told me that psychologists claim it takes seventeen positive statements to offset one negative statement. I have no idea if it is true, but the logic holds true. It might take up to seventeen compliments to offset the emotional damage of one harsh criticism. These are concepts that are especially useful when raising children. Ask yourself how many compliments you give yourself daily versus how many criticisms. Heck, I know you are talking to yourself all day long. We all have internal voices that give us direction. So, are you giving yourself the 17:1 ratio or are you shortchanging yourself with toxic self-talk like, "I'm fat. Nobody will like me. I'll try this diet. I'm not good enough. I'm so stupid. I'm broke, etc. etc."

If our parents can set a lifetime of programming with one wrong statement, imagine the kind of programming you are doing on a daily basis with your own internal dialogue.

Here is a list of Toxic Vocabulary words. Notice when you or other people use them.

But: Negates any words that are stated before it.
Try: Presupposes failure.
If: Presupposes that you may not.
Might: It does nothing definite. It leaves options for your listener.
Would Have: Past tense that draws attention to things that didn't actually happen.
Should Have: Past tense that draws attention to things that didn't actually happen (and implies guilt.)
Could Have: Past tense that draws attention to things that didn't actually happen but the person tries to take credit as if it did happen.
Can't/Don't: These words force the listener to focus on exactly the opposite of what you want. This is a classic mistake that parents and coaches make without knowing the damage of this linguistic error.

Examples:
Toxic phrase: "Don't drop the ball!"
Likely result: Drops the ball
Better language: "Catch the ball!"

Toxic phrase: "You shouldn't watch so much television."
Likely result: Watches more television.
Better language: "I read too much television makes people slow.”

That's the power of positive talk.

13 comments:

Brian Miller said...

this is good stuff and it works...some will scoff and say you are pollyanna-ing yourself but i am a firm believer...

nsiyer said...

Brian, we are what we are. I totally believe in the power of positive talk. Many a time, I have talked to myself and it always works.

Aleta said...

What an excellent post! I'm guilty of the "I'll try" comments and you are correct, it's a way "out" without saying "I won't". I'm going to "nix" the"I'll try" from my vocabulary. Thank you point out the positive language and the value of it. The story about you in the tree and your father's words - it makes a clear point. My husband is someone who always thinks in the positive and people marvel at how well his life goes. I'm someone who might say something negative, because I'm preparing for the worst, but also I pray for the best deep in my heart. I need to open myself up to the positive.

And thank you so much for visiting my blog again. It's true. I did stop blogging there for a while, but I'm back again :) It was a pleasure to read your comment.

Anvesh said...

All the words are spot on reality sir.
when ever i say i would try , its more than often just to be polite but not the real intention

And regarding the statements of giving only positive thoughts to mind , i have read similar philosophy earlier in the below 2 books

power of sub conscious mind-Joseph murphy

"The secret"..Rhonda Byrne

i TRIED practising the principles and obviously forgot abt them in few days...now WILL remember them and practise them..:)

nsiyer said...

Nice that you are back, Aleta. I shall vivit your blog often.

nsiyer said...

Thanks Anvesh. Secret is a great book and I appreciate the thoughts in that book. Look at positivity and it comes.

Sylvia K said...

What a fantastic post! And so very true! I really do appreciate the reminder because it is easy to forget the wisdom in these words from time to time. I do so believe in the power of positive thoughts and words and have seen them work in my life time after time. Thank you for a wonderful post and reminder -- as always. I have great respect for your wisdom! Hope you week is off to a great start!

Sylvia

P.N. Subramanian said...

Very interesting. Excellent post.

nsiyer said...

I agree Sylvia. These are turning points and some of these reach us at the right time.

Thanks Mr. Subramanian for coming over.

nsiyer said...

I agree Sylvia. Certain things come to us at appropriate times in life and serve a purpose.

Thanks Mr. Subramanian for coming over.

Babli said...

Very nice and brilliant post. There are lots of things to learn from our day to day life. I always believe in positive talk as I am optimistic and never ever think anything is impossible.
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Broot said...

Aleta brought me here and I'm glad she did. Great post. I'm sharing it with my friends, too.

nsiyer said...

Hi Babli, thanks a lot. I will come over to your other blogs.

Hi Broot. Thanks for coming over.