That's the spirit

My friend lost his father and his in laws, three of them, in a space of a year. The elderly were bed ridden for four long years and were looked after by my friend, his wife and two daughters. Despite their official routine and daily chores, they tended to the elderly and were at their beck and call. The last of the elderly passed away last week.

I went to offer condolences and to appreciate them for their grit and ‘never say die’ spirit. During the conversations we had, what appealed to me was the part the elderly had played in the bonding of the family. The two daughters in particular were sharing the various lessons learnt from their grand parents, and felt those spaces would never ever be filled again. The anecdotes, folk tales, mythological stories and life experiences taught to them by their grandparents would always remain etched in the children’s mind. They conceded they had matured so much in the last three years and learnt their lessons on care, love, responsibility and accountability. Having been through thick and thin in looking after the bed ridden elderly , the entire family had in just a few years grown so much in love and affection for each other. They are today, as I look at them, a more complete family.

My friend, his wife and their two daughters were in close embrace when the preparations for the last rites were on. They hugged each other, sobbing that the last of their dear ones was gone. I saluted them for their endurance as the van carrying the body tugged along. May the spirit of the ‘Ramakrishnan family’ be always alive.

Strange but true

I had read of a birthday party of a three year old where children along with their parents were invited. As is the custom, gifts were showered on the birthday boy who accepted these with glee. Other children , naturally curious, wanted to see the gifts but the birthday boy refused to open them or part with them.

Children started throwing up tantrums and many of them were crying loudly to have a glimpse of the gifts. The little boy refused to share the gifts despite both his parents cajoling, pleading, bribing, threatening and playing all sorts of tricks on him. Birthday party turned into a nightmare.

Questions of significance are : Why did the parents behave the way they behaved? And why did the little boy behave the way he behaved?
Behaviour of parents is dictated by what parents of other children will think of them. Probably, other parents may say “ How have they brought up their kid? They haven’t even taught the kid to share”. The necessity to ‘look good’ in the eyes of others becomes more important than the necessity of the child to own and enjoy his gifts. So much so the parents will go even to the extent of beating the child on his birthday to teach him the value of sharing. What a beautiful birthday gift for the child, and what beautiful memory to grow up with.

As for the child’s behaviour, it needs to be understood that the gifts are his and he needs to possess and enjoy them before sharing them. Often we have seen that once children have enjoyed the possession, they themselves give the toys to others or just leave it lying in some corner of the room. That’s the psyche of children. Do adults easily part with their possessions? No. Often they come up with reasons like ‘the gift has sentimental value’ or some such stuff.

My learning is that many of the things we do has a pay off. But we need to remember there is also a heavy cost to pay.

An Idol to Remember

I am inspired by what Sujata wrote on Mahatma Gandhi . I am in agreement that today’s generation seem to know little about our ‘Father of the Nation.’ In the workshops that I conduct , I always draw examples of this great man and here is some of what I tell my participants.

I ask the participants – ‘What did Mahatma Gandhi say when he was thrown out of the train in South Africa?’ The reply that I often get is ‘we don’t know.’ I tell them I also do not know but my guess, looking at what happened between 1942 (Quit India Movement) and 1947(Indian Independence), is he would have said ‘ You threw me out of the train, I will throw you out of my country.’ Indeed he did it.

The Indian freedom started with Mahatma Gandhi declaring ‘ India will be free.’ It saw the light of the day on 15th August, 1947. My learning is that there exists so much power in language, conversation and declaration that it touched , moved and inspired millions of Indians to win freedom for their country. Freedom the world over has been achieved through declaration by some individual.

While concluding the session, I ask a question – ‘Who was Gandhiji’s neighbour?’ Generally I am greeted with stunned silence or some innocent ramblings. I conclude the session saying ‘Gandhiji’s neighbour will never be known. You need to be Gandhiji to be known.’

Mother - Sweet Mother of mine

This incidentally is my fifty first post – sort of completed a half century. My first post was dedicated to the memory of my late father. This post, I owe it to my mother, who still looks after me and treats me like her little kid.

My mother, a simple woman, extremely loving and such dedication for one’s family is simply to be seen and believed. My father was her everything, and her two sons , my elder brother ( who is an example to follow – I have tried all these years and seem to be no where near) and I are her two eyes. The family is the end all for her and she is extremely content just seeing all of us happy.

Yes, she has done so much for us and still continues to untiringly do. My late father lovingly called her ‘ Aho! Bhagyavathi Naari’, and they doted on each other for sixty five long years when he bid her good bye. I have been lucky to have great parents and their love and blessings throughout.

My father’s death dealt a severe blow to her enthusiasm and liveliness that for nearly a year she was lost in her own thoughts. Her melodious chanting of morning prayers had stopped, and there were only silent prayers said within herself. A month back, when I was having my morning coffee with her, I mentioned that all of us missed her morning chant and that she start it for our sake. Like a bolt from the blue, she started chanting prayers and it was pure vibrations and ecstasy that filled our house. We are blessed that we hear these chants once again daily morning.

She is eighty two, very enthusiastic and loves to meet people. Her culinary skills are unmatched and she loves to feast guests who come home. Whatever she cooks, would be distributed to all her friends and this has been happening over the years. Though she has always wanted to do things on her own and be independent, she now holds a stick as her support to walk. She, however, looks very cute with a stick, holding her independence in one hand.

What more to say of my mother, she is truly God’s gift. Anne Taylor’s quote would be appropriate to end this piece on my mother.

“Who fed me from her gentle breast
And hushed me in her arms to rest,
And on my cheek sweet kisses prest?
My Mother.

Who ran to help me when I fell,
And would some pretty story tell,
Or kiss the place to make it well?
My mother.”

Farewell

There have been innumerable farewell functions that I have attended considering the fact that I have spent twenty eight long years in the Human Resources Function. I have always observed that a lot of good is said about the retiring employee and nostalgic memories are kindled by those near and dear. The retiring employee already full of emotions due to his long association with the organization feels all the more terribly disturbed.

This is generally the drab routine in most of the farewell functions. I remember that in one such farewell, the employee after hearing to all the accolades showered on him, mentioned humorously that if such feedback was given to him earlier, he probably would have contributed multifold.

A farewell that I distinctly remember to date was one filled with fun. The Master of Ceremonies requested all present to indulge in celebrations, and packed it with all the humorous moments he had shared with the retiring employee. This placement set the tone for others to follow and for once I saw the retiring employee in splits of laughter thoroughly enjoying the entire function. There was no place for choked emotions and parched throats.

I recall having read somewhere the following lines which sound apt here. ‘People may forget what you said. People may forget what you did. But people will never forget how you made them feel.’

An Ethical Dilemma

Some years ago, I remember a discussion that happened at my office. The payroll departmet executive informed me that he had noticed an employee of the organisation buying toiletries and other items from a chemist shop. The employee had requested the chemist to prepare a bill for medicines instead of for toiletries. The employee had justified saying that medical reimbursement was his entitlement and it was okay if he submitted the requisite bills even though he had bought things other than medicines.

An employee was entitled to cab fare while on official duty. He travelled by train incurring twenty five rupees but claimed taxi fare by submitting a bill for three hundred rupees. When it came to his manager’s notice, the employee stated that he had the right to claim the amount as taxi fare was his entitlement.

In the Benson and Hedges cricket match, when New Zealand required six runs off the last ball to draw the cricket match, Trevor Chappel from Australia bowled an under arm ball along the ground. By no stretch of imagination could this ball be belted for a six and Australia won. When questioned, the Australian captain stated that it was very much within the rules to do that as long as the bowler swung his arm.

I have always been intrigued at this curious display of righteousness exhibited by these people. Potter Stewart once said” There’s a huge difference between that which you have a right to do and that which is the right thing to do.” I have always been of the opinion that the ‘right thing to do’ goes far beyond the ‘legal right to do’, and lived my life accordingly. But ultimately this treads on the personal standards set by individuals for themselves, and the ethical dilemma, I presume, will continue.

What have you to say?

Crucial Conversations

A student of mine was not too happy with the job and place of posting. It was always an eerie feeling with the person that life was not on the right track. This was shared with me and my help was sought. The short conversation went on as penned here.

Student: Sir, is the right time to talk to you? Are you free?
Teacher: I am at work. Obviously how can I be free? I am supposed to be busy. Jokes apart, go on.
Student: Sir, I am terribly frustrated with my job and this god forsaken place. I need your advice as to what to do?
Teacher: What are your issues? What is affecting you? Can you share?
Student: My work is not interesting, and nothing much to do after work. I feel like quitting my job and running back to Mumbai.
Teacher: I understand what you are saying. But do you think quitting is the only option?
Student: I know Sir what you are saying. At times, I just break down. But you know I am a fighter, and I won’t quit so easily.
Teacher: Then what are the options before you? Will breaking down now help?
Student: No Sir. I need to make things interesting and enjoy my work and stay.
Teacher: What can you do to change the situation? Can you think of some alternatives?
Student: Seek interesting work, discuss with my boss, join a gym or yoga. At least I have a well paying job
Teacher: You need to settle with the present. Many a time, we don’t realize what we possess. Wisdom is all about enjoying the present and creating possibilities for the future.
Student: But the negative thoughts keep coming back
Teacher: Let me tell you what you focus on expands. If you focus on ‘ job is not good’, this thought will expand and cover your universe. Then you breakdown because you attract negatives.
Student: Yes Sir, got it. I will look at it in a new way now.
Teacher: What should you be doing?
Student: I am confused. I think I need to deal with them, what else? Yes, I need to own it
Teacher: You are on target. Think on how to confront issues that crop up and come out with solutions. Anybody can crib. Very few can resolve and settle with issues as a part of life. Now it is your choice of ‘whom to be’.
Student: I am accountable Sir, its my life. I know what you say is always for my good and that is why I discuss things with you. I know you will tell me what I need to hear and not want I want to hear. Thanks, Sir.

People’s performance will always correlate with how situations occur to them. Until the occurring shifts, a new future cannot be established.